Pleased to meet you. I am Busy.

I am learning a very hard lesson today.

I wear busyness as a badge. "Look how busy and full my schedule is.  I must be good at what I do?!"

I constantly over-promise and under-deliver. I offer to do something for and then I cancel at the last minute, because I am overwhelmed at the thought of feeding, dressing and getting my 1-yr old to sleep while I try to see someone in need, see someone I feel guilty, because I had to cancel  seeing them yesterday or just do something I have been putting off doing at home.

Today I said yes to: a GP appointment straight after, a football session for my son, going to meet a mom in need, then I had to look after my friend's son for a few hours, clean house and host our church leadership meeting at my home. Now many women could do this easily. But to get between all those appointments, I will be stressed to the max, stressing out my son and also neglecting my 1-year old's basic need to sleep, because he can't fall asleep in the car. I even planned on leaving him in his pj's and then dressing him when we got to football. And it is raining outside.

I mean it is madness when I look at it now. And it is all driven by guilt, guilt, guilt and pride, pride, pride

I SHOULD be able to do it. I SHOULD be perfect. X can do it? Y can do it? Why can't I?

That's Me

Is it too late to be the Me I was made to be?

No! 

There is always time to be the Me I was made to be

I'm not talking about career choices or a mid-life crisis

I am talking about being h-a-p-p-y with M-e.

But...

The Me YOU want me to be?

The Me I THINK you want me to be?

Or the Me I have made you believe I am? All lies really.

None of them based on my true identity which

Now I see more clearly than ever 

Nailed to a cross

You don't get more real than that

When the King paid with His blood for every

Shameful act I will ever commit

THAT is me.

So when I disappoint myself, or you- I'm still free

When I make a mistake- I'm still free

When you misunderstand me? - I'm still free

When I am not strong enough, clever enough- I'm still free

Free to be Me. In You.

The oldest knife in the drawer gets used the most

I have these old knives in my home that I could never go without. From the "Ginsu" era of miracle knives. They were my mother's and they actually do still work.  My husband and his sisters used to try and hide a hideously melted old knife from my mother-in-law so that she wouldn't use it, but she always found it.  I heard a woman on the radio the other day phoning in to answer the question: "What annoys your husband or wife about you?", and guess what: It was the old knife that she kept using. (He'd better be careful before she proves him to be wrong about how sharp it is). But it got me thinking about how the things that don't seem valuable to some, are very valuable to others.

Elizabeth- barren, Mary- too young, the Shepherds- rough, strange and smelly, the Wise Men- foreign pagan worshippers, Anna- a widow and very old, Simeon- too old and Joseph - working class.

Yet, God appeared to all of them in some way or the other to proclaim Jesus' birth and His future as the Messiah.  

Would I have scorned had I been there? Would I have "wondered" and whispered about Mary's innocence and even mental health? Would I have doubted that God would reveal His son to foreigners of a different religion? Would I have laughed at the shepherds half asleep, babbling incoherently about a choir of angels and paying homage to a baby (a baby?) who was the promised Messiah? Would I have shaken my head and clicked my tongue at the elderly man Simeon and Prophetess Anna who was clearly too old to still be used by God? And a dirty carpenter for a father?

I can't say I wouldn't have.  I can only hope that by grace I wouldn't have missed it.  But it does give me hope. God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. If He can use the old, the young, the widow, the weak, the strange, the broken, He can use me. And He can use you.

Time to get the Nail Polish Remover out

For a few days now (read: weeks) I have had a routine of getting into the bath, looking at my toes, seeing the peeling nail polish and scolding myself for not removing my chipped nail polish. Every day I tell myself what a terrible woman I am and how ugly it must look and how I wish that I was one of those women who looked after myself better. And I resolve that when I get out of the bath I will go and find the nail polish remover. Every. Day.

Last week I went through the same routine and heard that gentle whisper that only comes from the Holy Spirit that said: Well, obviously it doesn't bother you enough to actually take action and follow through.

It was such a simple thing, but like a lightning bolt it hit me: As I went through my journal of the last 2 years I had noticed week after week the same sins cropping up (mostly comfort-eating), the same action plans to fight it, the same pleading prayers to release me and deliver me from them, the same verses I was writing out to memorise.

Why didn't I conquer those sins in my life? - It obviously didn't bother me enough to take action and follow through.

You see, comfort eating has become my guilty pleasure, my "not-as-bad-as-his-or-hers"-sin. Whenever I want to eat I forget all those grand plans and convince myself that I would resist it the next time and that I "deserve" it. And I grieve the Holy Spirit whom I had begged so many times to help me, by "Shhh!"-ing His still small voice.

So, are there any sins in your life that you are molly-coddling (indulging, pampering, treating).

I am back at square one and trusting God to help me to hate even the small sins in my life enough to actually want Him to change them.

Join me. Time to get out the Nail Polish Remover. 

I want to be a pig...

So, when my husband talks about prospective employees he talks about chickens and pigs. Chickens give a part of themselves (eggs) but Pigs give everything (bacon).

So in the Bible story of Ruth, the Moabite woman who decides to follow her mother in law Naomi to a new country and new faith, Ruth is the pig (bear with me). Orpah is the chicken. She started to follow but was then convinced by Naomi to turn around. Orpah used "wisdom", she did what any of us would do ("God wouldn't want me to suffer") and she listened to the advice she received from those around her, did a risk assesment and decided to stay behind.

To be honest nowhere does it say that she had a bad life because of her choice. She probably had a very good life. But because of her decision to go all the way with God, Ruth received the blessing of a new husband and being in the lineage of Jesus, the Messiah.

In today's terms, Ruth was the "Jesus freak". And she was rewarded.

The point is. I am more often than not Orpah. I want to be Ruth. I want to say: Where You go I'll go, where You stay I'll stay. And mean it.

I want to be a pig.

Discontentment

It was spring, but it was summer I wanted,
the warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
the colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.
It was autumn, but it was winter I wanted,
the beautiful snow, and the joy of the holiday season.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
the freedom, and the respect.
I was twenty, but it was thirty I wanted,
to be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was thirty I wanted,
the youth, and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle-age that I wanted,
the presence of mind, without limitations.
My life was over,
but I never got what I wanted.

I heard this poem today on "Leading the way" and it made me think and repent about how many times I am discontent even when I get what I wanted. I could be vague and pious and say: "so many times WE are discontent..." 

But no, it's just me. I am discontent even in the midst of such outrageous blessing. Forgive me please Lord. Thank you for all you have done for us! For me...

I was wrong!

She doesn't love me much, my Mommy, No!
She shouts and frowns and tells me off, so,
She punishes me when I do wrong,
And sometimes makes me wait SO long,

But who is that there by my bed?
Tucking me in and stroking my head?
Praying for me while I am asleep
and checking that I am warm while I'M counting sheep

It's Mommy! My Mommy! She DOES love me so!
She whispers: " My big boy, come high or come low,
come shouting, come frowning, come waiting and so,
no matter what happens, I will NEVER let you go."